Sir Oinks a Lots Demise

By Dennis Teigeler

The Lament of Sir Oinks-A-Lot Characters: • PAUL: (40s) Conspiracy theorist. • DENNIS: (60s) Sarcastic, interruptive, king of one-liners. • ANNA: (30s) Pig rancher, animal owner. • BILL: (50s) Adventurer. • LUKE: (20s) Tech nut, photographer. • BRADSHAW: (40s) Irreverent, offensive, interjects often. (SCENE START) INT. OFFICE BREAK ROOM - MORNING The air is thick with solemnity. Anna sits at the table, red-eyed and clutching a tissue. The others are gathered around her, trying to offer comfort, though some look deeply uncomfortable. ANNA (Voice trembling) I… I just can’t believe it. I went out this morning, and… and there he was. Sir Oinks-A-Lot. Gone. Some… some predator got him. BRADSHAW (Nods, unfeeling) Nature, Anna. It's brutal. One day you're trotting around, the next you're... compost. Happens to the best of us. Or the worst, depending on your perspective. PAUL (Eyes narrowed, looking around suspiciously) A "predator," Anna? Are you sure? Or was it… them? Sent to silence him. Sir Oinks-A-Lot was gaining too much influence. His organic feed endorsements? A threat to their synthetic food agenda! This is a clear hit. LUKE (Quietly, tapping on his phone) I could run some forensics. Analyze the bite marks, tracks, potential DNA residue. My thermal drone might have captured something during its night patrols, if I had permission to fly it over your property. BILL (Solemnly) The wilderness can be unforgiving. I once lost a companion marmot to a hawk on a climb. A swift, brutal end. At least Sir Oinks-A-Lot lived a life of comfort. He knew love. Not every creature gets that. BRADSHAW (Scoffs) Comfort? Please. He was a pig. Probably thought every belly rub was just a prelude to being bacon. Let's not get too sentimental. ANNA (Tears welling up again) He was more than bacon! He was the sweetest, most intelligent pig I ever knew! He could open gates! He had a favorite blanket! He brought joy! And now he’s just… gone. DENNIS And delicious! (Reactions to DENNIS's remarks) ANNA (Stares at Dennis, jaw dropped, then lets out a choked sob) Delicious?! Dennis! How could you say that?! BRADSHAW (Snorts a laugh) See? Someone gets it. Finally, some honesty in this room. PAUL (Points a trembling finger at Dennis) He's been compromised! They've infiltrated his mind! This isn't Dennis, this is a Manchurian Candidate programmed to undermine our emotional resilience! They're testing us! LUKE (Winces, looking away) Dennis, the emotional context… is a bit off for that remark. The data suggests it's not well-received. BILL (Sighs, rubbing his temples) There's a time and a place, Dennis. And this, currently, is neither. DENNIS (Shrugs) What? I’m just being realistic. You mourn, you move on. My advice? Don't name your food. Unless it’s "Breakfast" or "Dinner." Saves a lot of tears. ANNA (Wiping her eyes furiously) He was not food! He was a companion! My sweet, oinking, mud- loving companion! And he was a prize-winning companion! This is a devastating loss for my ranch! BRADSHAW (Leans back, smirking) Loss of revenue, more like. Let's call it what it is. PAUL (Pacing faster) The predator! It wasn't just any predator! It was a trained operative, genetically engineered by the shadowy organization that controls the synthetic food market! They silenced Sir Oinks-A-Lot because he was the living embodiment of organic purity! LUKE (Muttering) Genetically engineered predators… the computing power required for that kind of biological manipulation… the ethical review boards… it's just not feasible, Paul. BILL (Stands, looking out the window) Perhaps a memorial. A trek. We could scatter his favorite organic feed at the highest point of your ranch. A proper adventurer's farewell. ANNA (Sniffling) I just… I just want to know what it was. What could have killed something so… so robust? My other animals just die from natural causes, usually. My goat just dropped dead last week. And my chicken before that. It’s not fair! DENNIS What's not fair is the fact that some animal, coyote, wolf, bear, Sasquatch is snacking on a most delicious feast and we are left to wonder what might have been. (Reactions to DENNIS's remarks) ANNA (Stares at Dennis, then claps her hands over her ears) Oh, my god, Dennis! Stop! Just stop talking about Sir Oinks-A-Lot's demise in culinary terms! BRADSHAW (Chuckles, leaning forward) He's got a point, Anna. Missed opportunity for a barbecue. Maybe next time, invest in better fences. Or just don't get attached. PAUL (Eyes wide, looking from Dennis to Bradshaw) Sasquatch?! See?! The cover-up deepens! They're using mythical creatures as scapegoats for their nefarious activities! This "Sasquatch" is probably just a rogue agent in a fur suit! A very hairy, very hungry agent! LUKE (Rubbing his temples) Sasquatch sightings are highly unreliable. The photographic evidence is always low-res and inconclusive. I'd need undeniable, high-fidelity data before I could even begin to process that possibility. BILL (A sudden gleam in his eye) Sasquatch, you say? Now that would be an encounter! Imagine tracking such a beast! A true challenge of wit and survival. Forget the pigs, Anna, let's hunt the truth! Or at least, the Sasquatch! ANNA (Stands abruptly, wiping her eyes) You know what? I'm going back to my ranch. My remaining pigs need me. And I need to install a perimeter laser grid. And maybe get a guard llama. Anything to avoid this conversation. BRADSHAW (Shrugs) Good luck with that. Llamas are notoriously moody. (Anna storms out of the break room.) PAUL (To the remaining group, conspiratorially) She's going to find something. The truth about the Sasquatch-corporate operative. I can feel it. DENNIS (Sighs, looks at his empty coffee cup) I just hope she finds some decent coffee out there. These mornings are brutal. (SCENE END)

Story Content

Sir Oinks a Lots Demise

Dennis Teigeler

At least Sir Oinks-A-Lot lived a life of comfort. He knew love. Not every creature gets that. BRADSHAW (Scoffs) Comfort? Please. He was a pig. Probably thought every belly rub was just a prelude to being bacon. Let's not get too sentimental. ANNA (Tears welling up again) He was more than bacon! He was the sweetest, most intelligent pig I ever knew! He could open gates! He had a favorite blanket! He brought joy! And now he’s just… gone. DENNIS And delicious! (Reactions to DENNIS's remarks) ANNA (Stares at Dennis, jaw dropped, then lets out a choked sob) Delicious?! Dennis! How could you say that?! BRADSHAW (Snorts a laugh) See? Someone gets it. Finally, some honesty in this room. PAUL (Points a trembling finger at Dennis) He's been compromised! They've infiltrated his mind! This isn't Dennis, this is a Manchurian Candidate programmed to undermine our emotional resilience! They're testing us! LUKE (Winces, looking away) Dennis, the emotional context… is a bit off for that remark. The data suggests it's not well-received. BILL (Sighs, rubbing his temples) There's a time and a place, Dennis. And this, currently, is neither. DENNIS (Shrugs) What? I’m just being realistic. You mourn, you move on. My advice? Don't name your food. Unless it’s "Breakfast" or "Dinner." Saves a lot of tears. ANNA (Wiping her eyes furiously) He was not food! He was a companion! My sweet, oinking, mud- loving companion! And he was a prize-winning companion! This is a devastating loss for my ranch!

BRADSHAW (Leans back, smirking) Loss of revenue, more like. Let's call it what it is. PAUL (Pacing faster) The predator! It wasn't just any predator! It was a trained operative, genetically engineered by the shadowy organization that controls the synthetic food market! They silenced Sir Oinks-A-Lot because he was the living embodiment of organic purity! LUKE (Muttering) Genetically engineered predators… the computing power required for that kind of biological manipulation… the ethical review boards… it's just not feasible, Paul. BILL (Stands, looking out the window) Perhaps a memorial. A trek. We could scatter his favorite organic feed at the highest point of your ranch. A proper adventurer's farewell. ANNA (Sniffling) I just… I just want to know what it was. What could have killed something so… so robust? My other animals just die from natural causes, usually. My goat just dropped dead last week. And my chicken before that. It’s not fair! DENNIS What's not fair is the fact that some animal, coyote, wolf, bear, Sasquatch is snacking on a most delicious feast and we are left to wonder what might have been. (Reactions to DENNIS's remarks) ANNA (Stares at Dennis, then claps her hands over her ears) Oh, my god, Dennis! Stop! Just stop talking about Sir Oinks-A-Lot's demise in culinary terms! BRADSHAW (Chuckles, leaning forward) He's got a point, Anna. Missed opportunity for a barbecue. Maybe next time, invest in better fences. Or just don't get attached. PAUL (Eyes wide, looking from Dennis to Bradshaw) Sasquatch?! See?!

The cover-up deepens! They're using mythical creatures as scapegoats for their nefarious activities! This "Sasquatch" is probably just a rogue agent in a fur suit! A very hairy, very hungry agent! LUKE (Rubbing his temples) Sasquatch sightings are highly unreliable. The photographic evidence is always low-res and inconclusive. I'd need undeniable, high-fidelity data before I could even begin to process that possibility. BILL (A sudden gleam in his eye) Sasquatch, you say? Now that would be an encounter! Imagine tracking such a beast! A true challenge of wit and survival. Forget the pigs, Anna, let's hunt the truth! Or at least, the Sasquatch! ANNA (Stands abruptly, wiping her eyes) You know what? I'm going back to my ranch. My remaining pigs need me. And I need to install a perimeter laser grid. And maybe get a guard llama. Anything to avoid this conversation. BRADSHAW (Shrugs) Good luck with that. Llamas are notoriously moody. (Anna storms out of the break room.) PAUL (To the remaining group, conspiratorially) She's going to find something. The truth about the Sasquatch-corporate operative. I can feel it. DENNIS (Sighs, looks at his empty coffee cup) I just hope she finds some decent coffee out there. These mornings are brutal. (SCENE END)